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More Elephants in the room
Discussing what matters
By: David K. Every
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2002-12-05 08:03:54
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 eople have asked me why I occasionally throw political, philosophical or religious style articles on a technical site. A few ask why I don't just stick to things I know?
What I usually ask them is why can't I know a lot about technical and other issues? People aren't one-dimensional creatures. Now I don't think I'm necessarily an expert in every field I write on; nor do I think others should have to be to have and express opinions. It is by expressing and having those opinions challenged that we learn. If I don't talk about what I don't know (as well), how will I ever learn or get to know about it?
More importantly, is the issues of culture. Society has gotten so politically correct that they avoid discussing the issues that really matter to people because it might offend some; ignoring that not talking about it might offend others, or censorship (even self-censorship) prevents people from bonding and understanding each other better. So we have these taboos against issues like politics, race, religion, ethics, sex, or other things that people really care about; which does more harm to society than good.
Long ago, I decided that the harm to society, groups and individuals in not discussing these issues, far outweighed the theoretical advantages of false-harmony and artificial civility. And so while I don't feel the need to challenge every norm or more that society holds, neither will I avoid talking about things that are important to me or others on the off chance that someone might be offended. Their offense is their problem, and only through being offended can we begin to understand the other side, and learn and grow as human beings. Most won't change their views; but understanding is better than ignorance or fear/hatred.
       
In America, there is a saying that to white people it is never about race, and to black people it is always about race. Overstated and over-generalized, but there is a little truth to it as well. Race is a much bigger issue to the black people that I've known, and to a lesser extent the other racial minorities, than to the whites; mainly because of whose lives have been impacted more. There is often a distrust among minorities of people who are afraid of talking about the elephant in the room, I think this is because they feel that people that aren't talking about something so significant must have something to hide. The truth is at least partly that different things hold different amount of significance; but we all look at others through glasses colored by our experiences and world-view. Of course people are different, and I've had a few people get offended to bring up such a gosh topic, and there've been a few that were offended by my view or where we disagreed and so we couldn't bond; but overall, even when we've disagreed it hasn't been hostile, and from that point on, at least we knew where each other stood and could be better friends.
The same with religious people I've known; of many denominations. Again, religion is often a more significant thing in their life than in mine. But not talking about it is worse than talking about it. Many feel that it is such a social taboo, and that they will be discounted or ostracized as fanatics or Bible thumpers if they bring up the issue, that they'll do intellectual gymnastics in conversation to avoid it. And again, there are a few that have been so morally offended by an actual burn-in-hell atheist or heathen in front of them that we couldn't bond further and our relationship ended. But the gross majority of the time, even if we disagreed, I got to learn about their views and differences and they mine. Often it does impact our relationship. In that some pious cultures people are taught to only hang out with like kind; but they were going to learn that eventually anyways, so the only thing discussing it openly did is speed up the processes that would have torn us apart anyways. And more often as long as they realized that I was open to listening and discussing, and not afraid the issue, than while I might not be one of the "good guys", at least I wasn't one of the "bad guys" either; and knowing where I stood made a difference. So many people from different denominations and religions have become friends, and I got to learn more about their religions than most other outsiders, because I listened, asked questions, and wasn't afraid of elephants.
Politics is the same. I've learned so much about my own views and others through discussion, debate and disagreement that I can't imagine giving it up. I don't have to run and start debates all the time; I just don't feel like I have to dodge every issue that might be charged. I don't take this stuff personally, and generally try to calm others if they start taking it too personally themselves. Sometimes it works; sometimes others get so worked up, and are so unwilling to grow, that relationship end. But if they were such hollow relationships that they couldn't handle disagreements, then they weren't of much value anyways.
It varies by cultures and personality of course; and I've lost a few friends to disagreements. But most of the friends I lost weren't because we disagreed; but because they couldn't let an issue go or were unwilling to consider others views and feelings. That's an important thing to learn and know in a friend; and losing those people isn't as important to me as learning who those you can trust are. Most of the friends I've made, I've made because I was willing to discuss the issues that were important to them. I sincerely want to learn about their race, religion, culture, belief; and most people enjoy people who can both talk and listen. If you ask them about things, you might be accentuating your differences, but you're also showing a sincere curiosity and interest, and that matters more.
Often this communication teaches you what topics to sort of avoid in the future; once you've communicated your similarities and differences there's no need to try to convert the other to your way of thinking, or beat a dead issue. But of course, topics come up again in the future.
     
The whole point of this is that humans bond through shared experiences and communications. You can't get close to people by dodging the delicate issues all the time; it is the shared experience of discussing those issues that allows people to get closer in the first place.
Yes, it is considered crass by many to discuss charged issues. And there are certainly some people that are so emotive and so charged that the last thing they should do is run around discussing issues that they feel impassioned about, at least until they learn self-control. But how do we learn self-control if we never exercise it, or avoid all situations where we're going to have to use it? So these situations where we feel strongly and yet disagree, are the exact places where we can grow in ourselves.
The Internet and newsgroups are interesting. Search out discussion groups and watch society go by with the gloves off. Since there are no consequences (like bloody noses or significant broken friendships and rifts), and no accountability for expressing views on forums, people suddenly have many more. Ironically, this allows for many of them to bond quicker to one another than in the real world; and I've seen strong e-friendships made by these cathartic rants, disagreements and common interests. Many become jaded by the experiences, but in a good way. Many net old timers have gone through the rant phase or the frustration phase, and can discuss many issues without getting hot and hostile towards others, and have learned not to take disagreements personally. They have desensitized themselves to disagreements, and have learned to separate ego from opinion.
So while I value the civility and restraint of the real-world, and would not try to completely take the muzzle off, I do think that we can learn to disagree without anger, fear or hate; but only if we practice. So let's as society practice, control ourselves, listen, learn and grow. And not be afraid to talk about the elephants in the room. 
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